Praise but No Raise

This week has been going smoothly until I was suddenly called into my boss’s office first thing Wednesday morning.  While I often have meetings with Melinda, my manager, and other higher-ups in the company, I have never spoken with my boss for more than five or ten minutes at a time.  I wasn’t even hired by my boss. 

            His name is Kent, and he’s so fashionable it hurts.  You have to be to work for a company like Creative Fashion Consultants.  I occasionally see him slinking through the office, in between cubicles, but he disappears after a few moments.  CFC isn’t a large company, but Kent is always swamped with work, it seems. 

            I stand nervously outside his closed office door.  I’ve been there for a few seconds, unsure if I should knock or if he’s expecting me.  I smooth down my patterned pencil skirt and make sure the back of my white blouse is tucked in.  It’s a good thing that I washed my hair this morning. 

            Finally, I rap my knuckles on the wood three quick times.  Immediately I hear “come in” in a deep voice. 

            I open the door and walk inside, my footsteps light.  “Hello.”

            Kent is seated at a wide, clean desk.  He’s not looking at any paperwork, which I’m sure means that I will have his undivided attention.  I almost wish he was preoccupied. 

            “Hello, Ryan.”  Kent smiles, his teeth celebrity-white.  He’s wearing a pinstriped button-up under a sport coat, and his hair is neatly combed.  When he waves me over I spot a gorgeous black leather watch on his wrist.  “Come sit down.”

            Once I’m seated, Kent starts talking about his day.  He tells me about the paperwork he’s completed and how he’s made phone calls to the fashion editor at Marie Claire, name-dropping like it’s nothing.  I nod and smile at all the right points, but wonder why exactly I was called in. 

            After a few minutes of this, Kent locks eyes with me.  His are a pale blue, an odd color that makes me wonder if he’s wearing colored contacts.  “So, Ryan, you’ve been here over a year now, yes?”

            I swallow to ease my dry throat.  “Yes.”

            “I just thought it was time we chatted for a bit,” he tells me.  “Abby and I talked last week, and I’ve been trying to get you at a moment when you’re free… but you always seem so busy.  Always doing something.”

            “Yes,” I say again, feeling panic swirl in my stomach.  “I always get all of my work done, but it’s a busy job.  Always something to do!”  I add cheerily.  “I stay on top of everything, though.”

            “Yes you do.  I’ve noticed that you have some of the most consistent work here.  Excellent writing, strong perspective.  Your articles are never too short or too long.  Always on time—never missed a deadline, have you?”

            I shake my head, wondering where this is going.  Have I been taking too long with my assignments? 

            “Are there any problems here?  Do you feel overwhelmed or stressed?”

            “No, not really,” I say truthfully.  “Sometimes it’s a lot of work—especially during fashion weeks—but that’s what I signed up for.  I love what I do, and it’s not always the best time of my life, but I know I’m a good writer and I keep up with all the latest trends.”  I hope my rambling tendency hasn’t taken over. 

            Kent is nodding.  He hasn’t looked away from my eyes this whole time, and I’m itching to glance away for just a second.  “I just wanted to congratulate you on your work ethic and timeliness.  I’m very impressed with everything you’ve done.”

            My ears perk up and finally, I start to get a sense of what’s going on.  Am I about to get a raise?!  My first raise, ever!

            “Thank you,” I tell Kent, smiling out of excitement and maybe just a tiny bit of relief that I’m not about to get fired.  I sit there, waiting for a response, but Kent doesn’t say anything.  For the first time, he breaks eye contact.  I watch as he reaches into his desk drawer and brings out some papers.  He glances back up at me, seeming to realize that I’m still here.

            “Anything you’d like to ask me?” he says politely. 

            “Oh, um, no, is that it?” I sound like an idiot. 

            Kent nods.  “Oh yes.  I just wanted to tell you what a great job you’ve been doing.”  He flashes a smile.  “Keep it up.”  With that, it’s clear that I’m dismissed.

            I walk out of Kent’s office fuming, and surprised at how upset I am.  My first real conversation with my boss, and it meant nothing.  Not that I expected anything more than a check-in and a quick conversation, but Kent had made it seem big.  Like I’d really exceeded expectations and was on track for a bonus or something.  But instead, nothing. 

            As soon as I’m off work—and the rest of the day, my highly-praised work ethic was definitely off—I call my mom and tell her everything. 

            “Doesn’t that sound like I deserve a raise?  I mean, not to sound greedy or anything, but I’ve been here for a year,” I tell her.  The more I’ve thought about it, the more frustrated I’ve become. 

            “It is odd, honey, but give it a little more time.”  I can hear her flipping paper, probably magazine pages, in the background.  Since it’s so closely-related to her job, she’s always reading a magazine.  “But in the near future you should be getting a raise.  He’s acknowledged your work ethic and the content you produce, and good things will come.  I promise.  Did you ask Abby what he said to her in their meeting?”

            “No,” I say.  “That seemed nosy.”

            My mom titters in agreement.  “Well, let me know if anything comes up.  I’ve got to run, but I’m so happy you called.  I’m proud of you!” 

            Maybe I am overreacting.  I’m still the newest person on the CFC team besides the intern, Caroline.  Patience is essential, I tell myself. 

            After I hang up with my mom, I stop in Starbucks for a quick coffee (what can I say, the afternoon sleepies were hitting haaaard).  While I’m waiting for my vanilla blonde roast, I spot someone sitting down.  I squint at him, knowing I’ve seen him before but not being able to place him.  He has a straight nose, dark hair, and broad shoulders, and he’s sitting with a woman who looks exactly like him.  The barista calls out my drink and I grab it, lingering by the sugar-and-straws table to see if I can place him. 

            I have a really weird thing with faces where if I’ve seen you once, I’ll likely recognize you.  This means I never really forget someone’s face, which can be flattering or creepy depending on the way you look at it.  Recognizing someone’s face, however, does not mean that I recall their name, and that has caused many an uncomfortable scenario when I call someone over and then realize I have no idea what their name is.  But I know I’ve seen this guy, and recently. 

            By now I’ve fiddled with lids for far too long and still haven’t placed this guy.  I decide to just give up and live with the frustration of not knowing; maybe I’ll even see him again someday, and then I’ll be able to ask who he is.  Just then, however, the woman he’s with stands up, and they hug.  The guy lightly slaps her on the back, which seems odd to me.  I’m still standing there, holding my scalding coffee in one hand, when she breezes by me, and stops. 

            “Your skirt is amazing,” she says to me, looking at it in admiration.  “I love the pattern.” 

            “Thanks!” I say, beaming.  Before she can walk away, the guy comes up, and that’s when I see his pretty gray eyes and know exactly where I’ve seen him before. 

            “Ready to go, Laura?”  He glances at me a second too long while he talks to the girl, Laura. 

            “Hey,” I say quickly, before I lose my nerve, “I’m sorry if this is super bizarre, but I think I recognize you from somewhere… I just can’t place it though.” 

            The guy looks at me for a second, as if willing himself to remember.  Then he raises his eyebrows triumphantly.  “That club, this weekend,” he says, a hint of excitement in his voice.  “I’m Ben.”

            It all comes back to me—Marie’s girl’s night, the multiple bars, talking with him for a brief moment when he saw me with two drinks and said I was double-fisting. 

            “Oh!  Right.  I’m Ryan.” 

            “Ryan!  That’s it.  Wow, small world, huh?”  He grins, showing perfectly even teeth.  Nothing like good dental work.  Ben turns to the girl next to him, the skirt-complimenter.  "This is my sister, Laura.”

            Sister!  That’s why they look so similar.  “Hi, I’m Ryan,” I say, smiling and reaching out my hand.  She shakes it while simultaneously shaking her head. 

            “Cool skirt and cool name.  I’m so jealous right now.”  She looks up at her brother.  “Please tell me you tried to hit on her and she rejected you.” 

            I’m a little startled and uncomfortable, but Ben laughs.  “Dude, I didn’t even get the chance!  We barely talked.  But you’re right, she does have a cool name.” 

            Laura shoulders her purse—talk about awesome clothing, she’s carrying a pricey Celine bag like it’s nothing.  I try not to ogle.  “Anyway, it was nice meeting you, Ryan.  I’ve gotta run, but I’ll see you later, bro!”  She gives him a light punch on the arm, and that’s when his back-slapping finally clicked into place in my brain.  They act so much like siblings. 

            I shift my coffee to my other hand.  “Anyway, sorry for being such a creep.  I have this thing where I recognize people even if I’ve only seen them once or twice, and I knew I’d seen you and it was driving me absolutely insane because I couldn’t place you…”  I shake my head and collect my thoughts.  “I’m glad we figured it out,” I say with a laugh. 

            Ben smiles at me.  “No worries.  I remembered you for a reason.”  Uh oh.  I think I know what’s coming next.  “Would you want to grab coffee sometime?”  He looks down at the drink in my hand.  “Maybe after you’ve finished that one?  I like my girls hyped up on caffeine.”

            I can’t help but laugh.  “Hey, I’m sorry, but I’m actually with someone right now.  It really was nice meeting you, though.” 

            Shrugging, Ben puts his hands in his pockets.  “Ah, I see.  Well, maybe we’ll run into each other some other time.  It was really nice meeting you again, Ryan.”  With that, he’s gone. 

            Kind of a strange encounter, but flattering nonetheless.  Things could have gone much worse, and I’m relieved that neither Ben nor Laura called me out for staring them down while I had been trying to figure out how I knew him.  At least he recognized me!  Of course, I’m glad things with Cam and I have been going well after this weekend—we’ve even talked about it a little more and he understands why I was upset—but it’s still nice to be hit on.  Even if it kind of was the sister who hit on me first.  

Nothing Says Sorry Like Pizza

I wake up the next morning to movement in my bed. No, I didn't take someone home that I'd forgotten about-- it's Kolby. Kolby has a tendency to wake up obscenely early after a night of drinking, and has been this way since our college days. I couldn't even count the number of times I've woken to to her face inches from mine at the crack of dawn. Others might find this terrifying. To me, it's oddly reassuring. 

"Morning Kolb," I say sleepily as I feel her launch herself into my bed. "What time is it?"  

"No idea but I'm wide awake." It's still mostly dark outside, but I can see Kolby's greenish eyes almost glowing. 

"Now I am too," I laugh. She snuggles closer to me and we're quiet for a few minutes. 

"You okay?" Kolby asks. I knew it was coming. She saw the fury and hurt on my face last night, feelings which I still haven't forgotten. They're eating me from the inside out. 

"I'm still not sure," I tell her honestly. "I can't tell if I'm jealous or actually on to something." It wasn't exactly the best impression for Kolby either. She knew Cam in college and I'd really wanted her to forget everything in the past and realize that he's a good guy. 

As soon as I think that I want to smack myself on the forehead. Of course. I'm the one who needs to realize that Cam is a good guy. How many times do I have to tell myself that before I believe it?

Kolby's looking at me expectantly and I realize I trailed off and haven't spoken for a few seconds. I clear my throat. 

"I think I was being a liiiittle crazy," I admit to her. I'm glad it's dark because if it wasn't, I'd be avoiding her gaze. I absolutely despise admitting I'm wrong. "I need to do something," I say. 

I can tell Kolby is smiling. "I wasn't going to say anything, but I felt kinda bad for the poor guy. I knew you were upset but still! Give him the benefit of the doubt."

Rolling my eyes, I say, "thanks for the advice," as sarcastically as possible, but secretly I'm relieved. Hopefully this is the last time I question Cam, his motives, and his intentions. 

Both Kolby and I fall back asleep for a few hours, and we wake up to the sun seeping through the window. We hang out in bed, catching up a little. With Marie's breakup and my whirlwind romance, Kolby's life has seemed almost tame. We talk about her job, her hot boss who never takes off his cowboy hat, and the guys she's been trying to date. 

"What do you mean, 'trying?'" I ask. 

She sighs. "It's hard to explain. I'll go on dates and talk to guys at bars, but it's all so boring and predictable. I swear I've gone on the same date with the same guy ten times. I'm just bored, you know?" 

I'm quiet while she speaks, thinking. "Maybe you could try something different?" I suggest. "Don't get numbers from guys in bars." Suddenly I squint my eyes at her. "Kolb, are you telling me you're looking for something serious?"

She waves her hands and shakes her head. "No! No, not necessarily. But it would be nice to date a guy who actually interests me for a change." 

"Tinder," I suggest. We both giggle. "But really, you're such a funny and intelligent person. If you want to find smart, funny guys, you will! It just might take some time. And there's nothing wrong with online dating, even just for casual dates. Maybe it'll give you confidence that there are good guys out there!"

Kolby looks skeptical, but tells me she'll think about it. "It's just hard when you think you see good relationships around you, like Marie's, and then it ends up not working." Immediately I think of seeing Liam with that girl. If I misjudged the Cam situation, maybe I misjudged what I saw with Liam. I don't want to be a gossip, though, especially with Marie in the next room, so I keep quiet.

Kolby and I make our way to the kitchen, where Emma and Marie are chatting and sipping fresh-brewed coffee. My heart swells and though it's cheesy, I want to hug all three girls. I love having such a close-knit group of friends. 

Of course, we grill Marie about the guy she met at the bar last night, but she's smiling tight-lipped. That's the Marie I know and love: private about her personal life. 

Marie has to leave first, and Kolby goes home soon after. Kolby asks me to keep her updated about Cam, and I tell her loudly to enjoy the tinder dates. She swats at me on her way out. 

It's only when I leave that I notice Emma is wearing jeans. Suspicious. "Nice pants, Em," I say. 

Her response is equally as breezy. "I sleep in them now. Super comfy. You should try it."

"You spent the night at DJ's," I say triumphantly. 

Emma sighs loudly. "I did, yes. But! I didn't get off work til 3:30 AM and his apartment is closer... It was safer, really."  

I clap my hands like a toddler. "I knew it I knew it I knew it! This is true love. I can feel it." Before I can start singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," Emma cuts me off. 

"Okay, I get it, master matchmaker." She takes a drunk of coffee. "It doesn't mean anything is happening."

"Not yet!" 

Emma rolls her eyes, but I can tell a smile is just below the surface. She seems happy. 

I finish my coffee and tell Emma I have errands to run. This is only partially true--a Target trip is always in order, but the real reason for my outing is much more nerve-wracking. 

I dress quickly in dark jeans and a striped T shirt. Makeup: BB cream and mascara. I want to look as low key as possible today, but still pretty. 

As soon as I leave the house I call Cam's favorite pizza place. I've got some apologizing to do. 

Forty minutes later I'm at Cam's door feeling lame and slightly creepy. What if this isn't cute but just downright weird? 

Cam answers looking like he's just stepped out of the shower. His hair is still wet and I can smell his soap. I swallow hard. 

"Hi." Before I can lose my courage I continue. "All I want to say is sorry for being a complete douche. I don't know what came over me." I offer him the pizza. "I got this for you." I open the top; it spells "sorry" with pepperoni, but also has green and banana peppers sprinkled on it. Cam's favorite. 

Looking slightly bewildered, Cam takes the pizza. "I'm... Wow. Um, thanks, Ryan."

Blushing, I quickly tell him to call me if he wants. I'm ready to go when he says "wait." 

"I can't eat this by myself," he tells me. I smile, a tiny bit. "Come inside." He's smiling. As I follow Cam into his apartment, he says, "thanks for the pizza. This was kinda weird, but also the best apology I've ever witnessed." 

At that moment, I can't think of a better compliment. 

Shaken Up

            I can’t help it—I gasp when I spot Cam with this other girl.  He’s leaning in close to talk with her, and I see her giggle.  Giggle.  This is no ordinary laugh, I can feel it.  I know I’m dangerously close to overreacting but can’t stop myself. 

            Do I march over there and yank him aside, or do I hide and confront him later?  Or should we just never talk again?  I don’t know which option would hurt me the most, and I realize then that every option would hurt.  I’ve become attached to Cam. 

            “Hey.”  Kolby has sidled over to me, which is a feat within itself.  Notoriously loud and impossible to miss, I know I must have been deep in thought to have not seen Kolby approaching.  “Woah, are you okay?” 

            I know my face must look like a stormcloud before a lightning bolt strikes.  “No.” I say, and point.  “There’s my boyfriend.”

            “Woah,” Kolby says again, taking them in.  “Maybe they’re cousins.”

            “Does your cousin put his hand on your lower back like that?” I ask harshly.

            Kolby shakes her head.  “We have to do something.”

            “No!”  I hold her back, glancing around the room.  “I haven’t decided what to do yet.”

            “Ryan, you’re going to be absolutely miserable if you don’t say anything.” She has a point.  I can be passive-aggressive, and Kolby knows that well.  The summer after junior year I shut her out for two months because of a stupid argument we had.  Kolby never even knew I was upset until I just stopped talking with her.  I’d like to think that I’m more mature now, but after tonight, who knows. 

            “Fine.”  I stomp over to Cam and tap him on the shoulder.  He turns, smiling, but when he sees me the smile drops instantly off of his face as though it was never there. 

            “Ryan.”

            “Cam.”  I cross my arms and force a smile.  “Crazy seeing you here, isn’t it?”

            “Yeah, I… didn’t know you were going out.”  He looks shaken, but not guilty.  Maybe just surprised. 

            “I could say the same thing to you.”  I turn to the girl, who isn’t even really paying attention to our conversation.  I notice the two of them aren’t touching. 

            “I’m Cam’s girlfriend,” I say loudly so she’ll hear me.  The girl glances back, her eyes wide. 

            “Oh, Ryan, right?”  I’m stumped for a second.  How does she know my name?

            “Cam was actually just talking about you.”  She reaches out to shake my hand and says a name I don’t catch.  I numbly shake her hand, confused.  “We work together.” 

            I recross my arms after we shake hands.  I can feel the sweat on my palms—not cute.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.” 

            “Alyssa,” she says with a smile.  “Wow, you two are cute together!”

            She must be sensing the tension or lying or something, because at that moment, Cam and I are anything but cute.  We’re standing a foot apart and he isn’t even looking at me.  I’m sure I could shoot daggers with my eyes. 

            I turn to Cam.  “Can we talk?” I ask through gritted teeth.  He’s visibly uncomfortable but Alyssa smiles at me. 

            “It was so nice meeting you!”  I kid you not, she flounces off without a care in the world.  I stomp over to an empty table where the music isn’t as deafening. 

            “What’s going on?” I demand as soon as we sit.  All pretenses of being calm and collected have vanished and I’m full-on furious.  “No, before you say anything, I saw you.  I saw your hands all over her.  You two looked like the couple!”

            Silence.  I wait for a few moments, becoming increasingly angry as Cam is silent. 

            “That’s it, then?  You’ve got nothing to say?”  Still nothing.  By now I’m furious.  I get up to leave, but before I can walk away Cam grabs my wrist.  I try to yank free. 

            “Ryan, let’s talk about this somewhere else.” 

            “Is now bad for you?” I sneer.  “Don’t have enough time to come up with an excuse?” 

            “No!”  Cam is visibly frustrated.  “It’s not that.  I know it looks bad, but nothing was going on.  I swear.  I was talking about you with her—she asked about you.”

            “Why?” 

            “Because I said I had just started dating someone!  She has a boyfriend, okay?  We were weirdly close to one another because it’s so damn loud in here.  I’m here with coworkers.  I’m sorry I don’t keep you updated on every second of my life but it’s not like you told me you’d be here either.”  He looks me up and down.  “It looks like you’re the one trying to pick up dates tonight.”

            I laugh, meanly.  “Cam, I’m here because one of my best friends got dumped.  Sorry I don’t wear sweats to a bar.  I’m here to support a friend, so don’t turn this around on me.” 

            Resting his head in his palms, Cam looks defeated.  He mumbles something, but it’s too loud to understand him.  “What?”  I ask. 

            He lifts his head and looks at me.  “This is stupid.”

            “You’re telling me,” I retort. 

            “I wasn’t cheating on you, or trying to hit on Alyssa.  We’re friends, but that’s all.  She’s an airhead, Ry, and you know I only like smart girls.”  I can’t help but crack a smile at that.  “Look, I’m sick of arguing with you.  It’s happening a lot.  I thought we could trust one another now.”

            “I’m trying,” I tell him.  By now I’m sitting down again, but he’s still holding onto my wrist lightly.  “It’s hard.  And that looked really, really suspicious.  Your hand was practically on her ass.”

            “No it wasn’t!” Cam says defensively.  “I was trying to scoot her away from a wet spot on the floor.  Some chick had just wiped out on it a few seconds before.” 

            I sigh loudly and look around the bar.  I’ve lost sight of Kolby, but I see Marie still talking to the same guy.  They’ve left the dance floor but she’s smiling up at him, which I take as a good sign.  Seeing her smile makes me smile in turn, something that Cam picks up on immediately. 

            “Are we okay?”

            Shrugging, I look back at him.  “I don’t know.  Honestly, I think I need some time.” 

            I can see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.  “Okay.”  I stand up to leave and quickly kiss the side of his face, right on the cheek.  “Do you believe me?” he asks. 

            “I don’t know,” I say almost inaduably.  “Have a good night, okay?”

            As I walk away, I’m still not sure what’s happened.  Did we break up?  Are we on a break?  I’m no longer in the mood to drink, but I put a happy face on for Marie, who still is talking to the blond dude. 

            Kolby eyes me worriedly.  “You okay?” she asks.  I shrug. 

            “I’m ready to dance,” I tell her.  As the two of us make our way through clusters of people, I see Cam leave the bar, alone, out of the corner of my eye. 

            I’d be lying if I said the rest of the night was fun.  I dance with Kolby and even Marie joins us a little while later, without her mystery man.  We try to convince her to talk about him, but she refuses, saying it’s too soon to tell and waving her hand dismissively when we teased her.  She did, however, get his number, which surprised me.  Marie is sensible and would never talk to a guy she barely knows, but maybe this breakup shook her up a little.

            I know I’m shaken up.

            The three of us arrive at my apartment before 1 AM, a relatively early night for college students but for us post-grads, practically an all-nighter.  I let Kolby and Marie crash at my place and the two of them are asleep before I’m even in bed.  I sit awake for a while, sipping water to prevent a hangover I know I won’t have.  Of course, I’m thinking about Cam.

            This relationship, or whatever it is, has been sapping so much of my energy.  I’m starting to think that there’s no way we can be together because I just can’t trust him.  Was what he said tonight true?  I’ll never know, and the thought is driving me crazy.

            But, as my mom always says, sleeping makes for better decision-making, so I put on my rattiest old T-shirt from high school and fuzzy striped pants.  With all the thoughts spinning in my head I think it’ll take hours before I can fall asleep, but I pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.