Anger and Acceptance

The sick feeling I had in my stomach when I left Cam stayed with me all week. It was with me at work, when I typed up articles and answered email after email. It was with me when I heard all about Emma's date with DJ. Even though their date had gone swimmingly and I was thrilled for her, a heavy, tight feeling pulled me back from feeling more excited. The feeling was there while I ate, before I went to sleep, and it haunted me in every quiet moment I had alone. 

"You have to do something," Abby told me at lunch between bites of ginger salad. She's heard the story over and over again, and she lends a sympathetic ear. For now, I don't want to talk about it much with Em. The honeymoon phase is going strong with her and DJ and I don't want to put a damper on that. "Have you talked at all?"

I shake my head. "Not one word." It's true. Since the family dinner Cam and I have not spoken. Not a text. Not a call. No flowers for me this time. "This time I think it really might be over." I can feel my chin start to wobble and I will myself to stop. I'm better than this. 

Abby's quiet. I look down at my chicken sandwich. So far, I've only taken one bite. The way I'm acting sure makes it feel like a breakup. 

I sigh. "Anyway, thank you for listening," I tell Abby earnestly. "I don't know what I would be doing without you."

"Eating your lunch alone," she suggest. 

"Probably crying at my desk," I agree. "But really. Should I call him?" 

Abby nods slowly. "I think it would be best. You two are grown adults. This silent treatment can't go on forever. You're making yourselves miserable. Even a real breakup would be better than this."

I know she's right. After lunch, I give him a call. Straight to voicemail, of course. 

"Hey Cam, it's me." I clear my throat. "Ryan. Anyway, I just wanted to know if you'd meet me for drinks tonight. Maybe six thirty? Arch City Tavern." I pause, almost expecting to hear his voice. For a second I consider begging, apologizing, saying how stupid all this is. But I don't. That isn't a conversation to have to a voicemail machine. "Okay. I'll see you then." I hang up and go back to work, the rest of my day a blur. 

By the time six rolls around, I'm a bundle of nerves. I'm at the apartment alone since Emma is with DJ, and honestly that quiet time is a relief.  I need a pep talk, but a pep talk from myself. 

Everything will work out, I tell myself. In one way or another. It will work out. 

I pull on a pair of shorts and a patterned button down. Simple, yet pretty. Flat shoes for once-- no heels. I'm out the door five minutes early. 

When I get to Arch City, I realize Cam never responded. I hope he's actually coming, or else there's a very good chance I'll be taking advantage of the happy hour specials all alone. 

A wave of relief washes over me as I see Cam walk through the doors. He spots me immediately and walks over, his hands in his pockets. My heartbeat quickens when I see him-- he looks good. 

Once he's at the table, we awkwardly look at each other for a few moments, unsure of what to do. He's standing still and I'm sitting, so I begin to stand up just as he leans down towards me. We end up in some sort of half hug. He quickly sits down. This isn't at all how it's supposed to go, I think in a panic. We were supposed to see each other and realize immediately how ridiculous the whole situation is. Cam has barely looked at me in the eyes yet. 

The waiter comes by but retreats quickly when he sees how tense the two of us are, promising to give us "a minute to decide." When he leaves I clear my throat. 

"I just wanted to say that I've really missed you these past few days." 

Cam's nodding, still not looking at me. "I'm sorry I never contacted you. I needed some time to think," he says slowly. 

Now I'm really getting nervous. "What do you think?" I ask. 

He sighs, and I'm growing impatient. "I just feel like we've been fighting a lot."

"What?" I ask. "Maybe at first. But we've been really good lately. I don't think we've been fighting a lot at all." I think to the beginning of our relationship when things were a little rocky. We'd always gotten over it. What made this time so different? "Cam, look at me." He finally does. "Look, I'm sorry if what I said to your sister was out of line. I felt trapped. I wish you would have warned me that I might need to defend myself to your family. You left me completely unprepared and I'm sorry if I embarrassed you or if your family embarrassed you, but I didn't mean to cause any trouble or hurt anyone." I take a deep breath. For the first time I realize how badly I've wanted to say these things. 

"Ryan, I was embarrassed, okay?" Finally Cam looks up at me. "I know my dad can be tough, but I wasn't expecting any of that. I didn't know what to do. And then I felt like you were attacking me in the car."

"What?" I ask incredulously. "Attacking you? I was standing up for myself! You didn't say one thing to stop your dad from belittling me and yet I'm the one attacking you?"

 Cam shakes his head. "Don't get so angry, Ryan."

"Well stop belittling me," I snap. "What your dad said really hurt. I know he's family but I would never let my family talk that way about someone I care about." 

Cam mutters something, so I ask him to speak up. "I just said that this isn't going anywhere," he says in frustration. "If you can't accept my family then I don't think we should be together."

His words are like a slap to the face, and for a second it takes my breath away. "Cam," I say quietly, "I want to get to know your family. Your mom was so sweet, and your sister is really cool. I want to be on their good side. I know your father and I got off on the wrong foot, but I want to make it right." 

Cam shakes his head. "It's not that easy."

"It could be!" I say. I feel myself getting desperate. "Can't you just admit you should have warned me? Why are you making this so hard? You didn't call me once this week--" my voice catches but I continue--"and I feel like you've given up."

He isn't looking at me any more, and that's when I know. "Ryan, I really, really like you, but I don't think this is going to work." 

My mouth is completely dry and I discover that I have nothing left to say, so I nod. Cam stands up to leave, and he looks at me and leans down to kiss my cheek. I turn my head away, even though all I want is to kiss him and tell him we'll work it out. He leaves without another word, and all I can think is that I did all I could. I begged, I apologized, I set this meeting up. And not once did he say he was sorry. That's all I needed to hear.