Shaken Up

            I can’t help it—I gasp when I spot Cam with this other girl.  He’s leaning in close to talk with her, and I see her giggle.  Giggle.  This is no ordinary laugh, I can feel it.  I know I’m dangerously close to overreacting but can’t stop myself. 

            Do I march over there and yank him aside, or do I hide and confront him later?  Or should we just never talk again?  I don’t know which option would hurt me the most, and I realize then that every option would hurt.  I’ve become attached to Cam. 

            “Hey.”  Kolby has sidled over to me, which is a feat within itself.  Notoriously loud and impossible to miss, I know I must have been deep in thought to have not seen Kolby approaching.  “Woah, are you okay?” 

            I know my face must look like a stormcloud before a lightning bolt strikes.  “No.” I say, and point.  “There’s my boyfriend.”

            “Woah,” Kolby says again, taking them in.  “Maybe they’re cousins.”

            “Does your cousin put his hand on your lower back like that?” I ask harshly.

            Kolby shakes her head.  “We have to do something.”

            “No!”  I hold her back, glancing around the room.  “I haven’t decided what to do yet.”

            “Ryan, you’re going to be absolutely miserable if you don’t say anything.” She has a point.  I can be passive-aggressive, and Kolby knows that well.  The summer after junior year I shut her out for two months because of a stupid argument we had.  Kolby never even knew I was upset until I just stopped talking with her.  I’d like to think that I’m more mature now, but after tonight, who knows. 

            “Fine.”  I stomp over to Cam and tap him on the shoulder.  He turns, smiling, but when he sees me the smile drops instantly off of his face as though it was never there. 

            “Ryan.”

            “Cam.”  I cross my arms and force a smile.  “Crazy seeing you here, isn’t it?”

            “Yeah, I… didn’t know you were going out.”  He looks shaken, but not guilty.  Maybe just surprised. 

            “I could say the same thing to you.”  I turn to the girl, who isn’t even really paying attention to our conversation.  I notice the two of them aren’t touching. 

            “I’m Cam’s girlfriend,” I say loudly so she’ll hear me.  The girl glances back, her eyes wide. 

            “Oh, Ryan, right?”  I’m stumped for a second.  How does she know my name?

            “Cam was actually just talking about you.”  She reaches out to shake my hand and says a name I don’t catch.  I numbly shake her hand, confused.  “We work together.” 

            I recross my arms after we shake hands.  I can feel the sweat on my palms—not cute.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.” 

            “Alyssa,” she says with a smile.  “Wow, you two are cute together!”

            She must be sensing the tension or lying or something, because at that moment, Cam and I are anything but cute.  We’re standing a foot apart and he isn’t even looking at me.  I’m sure I could shoot daggers with my eyes. 

            I turn to Cam.  “Can we talk?” I ask through gritted teeth.  He’s visibly uncomfortable but Alyssa smiles at me. 

            “It was so nice meeting you!”  I kid you not, she flounces off without a care in the world.  I stomp over to an empty table where the music isn’t as deafening. 

            “What’s going on?” I demand as soon as we sit.  All pretenses of being calm and collected have vanished and I’m full-on furious.  “No, before you say anything, I saw you.  I saw your hands all over her.  You two looked like the couple!”

            Silence.  I wait for a few moments, becoming increasingly angry as Cam is silent. 

            “That’s it, then?  You’ve got nothing to say?”  Still nothing.  By now I’m furious.  I get up to leave, but before I can walk away Cam grabs my wrist.  I try to yank free. 

            “Ryan, let’s talk about this somewhere else.” 

            “Is now bad for you?” I sneer.  “Don’t have enough time to come up with an excuse?” 

            “No!”  Cam is visibly frustrated.  “It’s not that.  I know it looks bad, but nothing was going on.  I swear.  I was talking about you with her—she asked about you.”

            “Why?” 

            “Because I said I had just started dating someone!  She has a boyfriend, okay?  We were weirdly close to one another because it’s so damn loud in here.  I’m here with coworkers.  I’m sorry I don’t keep you updated on every second of my life but it’s not like you told me you’d be here either.”  He looks me up and down.  “It looks like you’re the one trying to pick up dates tonight.”

            I laugh, meanly.  “Cam, I’m here because one of my best friends got dumped.  Sorry I don’t wear sweats to a bar.  I’m here to support a friend, so don’t turn this around on me.” 

            Resting his head in his palms, Cam looks defeated.  He mumbles something, but it’s too loud to understand him.  “What?”  I ask. 

            He lifts his head and looks at me.  “This is stupid.”

            “You’re telling me,” I retort. 

            “I wasn’t cheating on you, or trying to hit on Alyssa.  We’re friends, but that’s all.  She’s an airhead, Ry, and you know I only like smart girls.”  I can’t help but crack a smile at that.  “Look, I’m sick of arguing with you.  It’s happening a lot.  I thought we could trust one another now.”

            “I’m trying,” I tell him.  By now I’m sitting down again, but he’s still holding onto my wrist lightly.  “It’s hard.  And that looked really, really suspicious.  Your hand was practically on her ass.”

            “No it wasn’t!” Cam says defensively.  “I was trying to scoot her away from a wet spot on the floor.  Some chick had just wiped out on it a few seconds before.” 

            I sigh loudly and look around the bar.  I’ve lost sight of Kolby, but I see Marie still talking to the same guy.  They’ve left the dance floor but she’s smiling up at him, which I take as a good sign.  Seeing her smile makes me smile in turn, something that Cam picks up on immediately. 

            “Are we okay?”

            Shrugging, I look back at him.  “I don’t know.  Honestly, I think I need some time.” 

            I can see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows.  “Okay.”  I stand up to leave and quickly kiss the side of his face, right on the cheek.  “Do you believe me?” he asks. 

            “I don’t know,” I say almost inaduably.  “Have a good night, okay?”

            As I walk away, I’m still not sure what’s happened.  Did we break up?  Are we on a break?  I’m no longer in the mood to drink, but I put a happy face on for Marie, who still is talking to the blond dude. 

            Kolby eyes me worriedly.  “You okay?” she asks.  I shrug. 

            “I’m ready to dance,” I tell her.  As the two of us make our way through clusters of people, I see Cam leave the bar, alone, out of the corner of my eye. 

            I’d be lying if I said the rest of the night was fun.  I dance with Kolby and even Marie joins us a little while later, without her mystery man.  We try to convince her to talk about him, but she refuses, saying it’s too soon to tell and waving her hand dismissively when we teased her.  She did, however, get his number, which surprised me.  Marie is sensible and would never talk to a guy she barely knows, but maybe this breakup shook her up a little.

            I know I’m shaken up.

            The three of us arrive at my apartment before 1 AM, a relatively early night for college students but for us post-grads, practically an all-nighter.  I let Kolby and Marie crash at my place and the two of them are asleep before I’m even in bed.  I sit awake for a while, sipping water to prevent a hangover I know I won’t have.  Of course, I’m thinking about Cam.

            This relationship, or whatever it is, has been sapping so much of my energy.  I’m starting to think that there’s no way we can be together because I just can’t trust him.  Was what he said tonight true?  I’ll never know, and the thought is driving me crazy.

            But, as my mom always says, sleeping makes for better decision-making, so I put on my rattiest old T-shirt from high school and fuzzy striped pants.  With all the thoughts spinning in my head I think it’ll take hours before I can fall asleep, but I pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.